How to Choose A Childhood Crush

How to choose a crush:

  1. He should be the tallest boy around—or at least taller than you.
  2. He should probably be the fastest runner in the playground. Speed is important.
  3. He shouldn’t know you exist. This way, you cling to any attention he gives you.
  4. He should have cute(?) face. It is evident from extensive notes that having cute(?) children is also extremely important.
  5. He shouldn’t have any prior conversations with you. Nothing of real substance, anyway.
  6. He should cause you to eat an entire jar of butterflies—without these, the crush won’t last.
    1. Seriously. Eat the butterflies.